We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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