Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
