did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
