Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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