Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
