As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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