I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
