ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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