I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
