You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
