Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Come on in and take your pants off
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