My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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