She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
