my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
