I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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