I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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