Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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