I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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