I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize