Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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