I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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