We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
