so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
my liver is dry heaving
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
