If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
