Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
