I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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