i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
