its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
