Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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