I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
