How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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