You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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