just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
