it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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