I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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