My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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