my phone needs a breathalizer
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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