i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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