We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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