i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to calm my uterus...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
