well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
