took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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