im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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