you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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