is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
