From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
