If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
