life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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