I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
