apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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