hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
