If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
