my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
