Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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