11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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