My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
