I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize