I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
