I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He has the fingertips of a God
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
