I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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